There is a moment when the flirtation is not enough, and it is time to move on to more satisfactory ways of enjoying each others company.
With a "vanilla" relationship, the time tested method works reasonably well, most of the time. One partner makes some sort of move that suggests and upping of the ante, and is encouraged or discouraged by the other partner's response.
But for spankos it is not that simple. The stronger the spanko urge, the less simple it gets.
Which leads us to "The Chat". A time when all defenses are lowered, in order that a meeting of minds takes place, to avoid unexpected and extremely embarrassing situations farther down the road.
I suspect the BDSM community have it slightly easier than us spankos, for their initial flirtations will have been heavily flavored with dominant and submissive themes. Should they get to The Chat stage, personal foibles may be so clear as to let them sit down with drafted contracts of behavior already written, as the basis for detailed negotiation.
The first problem we spankos have is that really do not know if our intended new close friend is one of us, or not. The extremely light pats that can happen during light flirtation may be seen as nothing more than harmless "slap-and-tickle" by those of the vanilla persuasion, and not as an invitation to unleash some hard wallops to an backside quivering in suppressed anticipation.
Which is why The Chat for us often starts by some variation of the simple question "Are you into spanking?" A negative reply is as eagerly accepted as a positive one by the person asking - on the grounds that such a major disappointment should not ruin what might otherwise prove to be some very enjoyable bedroom romps. Even to the extent, on hearing a no, to saying "Thank heavens for that - but I really needed to get that one out of the way." Followed by some lame alibi as to why, if pressed for more information.
But a positive answer means that we are now into a full-blown Limitations, Responsibilities and Expectations negotiation. Those three can be talked about in any order, but the sequence given indicates the relative importance of each.
The most important is Limitations, for we really, really must establish what is off-limits. We each hope that the two off limit boundaries are an identical match. If one party hopes to be able to do some particular act, and the other vetoes it - the disconnect could be fatal to the relationship. Not necessarily, but it is in the back of our minds. And two people with identical limits may convince themselves that they are a pair of soul mates.
When it comes to limitations, it is quite common in spanko relationships (less so in BDSM ones I am told) that bodily fluids should be safely kept in the body. It is extremely rare for blood to be drawn as a result of a safe, sane and consensual spanking - so reinforcing that limit has a side effect of iterating the SSC nature of the budding relationship.
Responsibilities part of The Chat revolve around the active part of spankings themselves - such as whether rules need to be broken prior to a whacking, and if so, what those rules are. It attempts to answer the questions "When will spankings take place?" And it is often the case that it is entirely up to the spanker, whether as part of foreplay or part of role-play.
Expectations is the tricky part - for, in essence, it is an attempt to answer "Why do we actually want spankings take place?" : moreover, how hard should they be and for how long should they last. Even if this part is skipped over (for a Chat on expectations is entirely optional), it would still be a good idea to establish if any safe words are to come into play. Perhaps even the "Green, Yellow, Red" conditional safe words to indicate how enjoyable (or not) the buttocks are feeling towards the current onslaught.
The Chat can be a light-hearted session of banter, or a serious detailed setting out of precisely who does what to whom with which. Either way, it should always be part and parcel of engaging in activities with an as yet unknown partner. For it is the only recognized way of ensuring that everything that happens afterwards is safe, sane and consensual.
No comments:
Post a Comment